WELCOME TO JEFFREY.

LIFE UPDATE:

I love my job. I love bossing people around.

Best Book I've read recently:
The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night Time

Worst Book I've read recently:
Life After God

Fav Album of the Moment:
The Strokes, First Impressions of Earth (Juicebox sucks, the rest is just pure brilliance. Raw New York. On some tracks, Julian's starting to sound a bit like Joey Ramone...which can be scarey, yet also can be a sweet homage.)


But then again, I swore never to have a relationship again, and now i find myself dangerously entering the "unspoken relationship", where two people who do not want to go out, are now going out. so before we attack elisa, let us all attack me and yourselves for being fuckheads. Especially people who read the Da Vinci Code. If there ever was a dumber mollusk than the one that thinks the Da Vinci Code is a fascinating read should fucking die. A few pages into it and you realize you're reading a John Grisham novel that takes place in europe. If i wanted to read something simple, I'd go read Hemmingway. But if I want to read something simple and DUMB, I'll read the Da Vinci Code. Fucking useless. Oh and another thing, to all you vancouverites. Douglas Coupland is the greatest cultural scam. Since when did you all label him as some genius voice for our generation? Fucking drivel. I just bought and read "Life After God" and he's creamcheese. Fucking can't be bothered to even finish it to the end. I can only read so many tales about driving the sea to sky highway while eating nanaimo bars and watching nuclear bombs fall on your head.





end transmission.

Went to Elisa's to watch "Last Days", the anti-biopic, being that it's based on Kurt Cobains' life, but due to legal issues, the movie was not allowed to use real names, or even his music. Oh well, still have to see it because anything Nirvana is blessed by Zeus.

Elisa's super-techno-digigoopa-teevo-microbrewery box or whatever it's called, wasn't working and so, "Last Days" was not happening. Instead, elisa and I sat there eating cheeseburgers.

Flashback two hours:

I'm in the drive-thru of Mcdonalds, stoked on seeing "last days" while eating a sloppy meal of fries and 'macs, so I call elisa to see what she wants. She goes into a spasm, insisting she wants nothing to do with my food and insists I better not show up with food for her or else there will be physical damage. She goes into an elaborate explanation, detailing the future conversation we will have, based on her expertise and knowledge of my behavioural patterns and speech habits, and tells me that I will insist she eat my food, but she will refuse, and I will assume she secretly wants my food but in fact, she wants no part of the consumption. My head spins and Ronald McDonald's minion glares at me from the drive thru window. No car is behind me, but his eyes continue to shoot death rays into my skull because Elisa has now held me captive on the phone for far too long while he waits to complete my order. I get off, and forget that I wanted big macs and instead order six cheeseburgers. I know I know, elisa insisted she wasn't hungry. But I also know that she says alot of shit, but in the end, she likes cheeseburgers.

"Six cheeseburgers to go. And some fries", I rattle off.

He continues to shoot that death ray into my forehead.



Fast Forward, Present Time, but Minus Half an Hour:

I'm sitting there, eating away, when suddenly Elisa reaches for the bag. "I bet you didn't get me anything. I know I said I didn't want any food, AND I DIDN'T WANT ANY FOOD, I SWEAR I DIDN'T FUCKING WANT ANYTHING TO DO WITH YOUR "FOOD", but do you have anything extra?" She gives me the look a kid gives when they know they yelled at daddy and mommy and refused to eat dinner, but now comes slinking back, hungry and defeated.

"there's an extra cheeseburger." I say.

"Is it yours?" She asks.

"I bought six." I respond. She relaxes upon hearing this and savagely attacks the bread and meat puck.

I then pass out, stoned asleep on her couch, but then I wake up yelling at her (still can't remember what i said). She's caught off guard and almost stumbles into her blinds because of my sudden outburst. Now would be the perfect time to pounce on her and take my place on her throne as ruler of kerrisdale...and of cats, but I'm too tired and have no fight in me. I let her live and light a cigarette while she sits there, probably wondering if she herself missed out on her chance to kill me while i slept. neither of us will ever know now. The truce survives the night and neither person is dead.

*The following incident is dead-on true, regardless if you think so or not*
Suddenly, charlie jumped down from the heavens and took a hold of my shoulders. I gasp while Elisa looks on, calm and at peace....as if she had waited for this moment and was observing to see if it would occur exactly as she had imagined it. He
spares my life, but then floats down into my lap and presses his anal muscle ring against my lips. I taste fur and fertilizer. I hack and gag, shove him from my lap and wipe at my mouth with shaking, clumsy hands. Elisa has not budged or moved.

"FUCK! Your cat just pressed his ass into my mouth!!!!" I shriek. Elisa's response?

"oh. That's odd." She won't make eye contact with me. I guess it happened exactly the way she foresaw it. I make a mental note. Elisa has begun war games. This was merely a dry run. Next time, it won't be charlie's ass, but a pistol in my mouth and all I'll see will be Charlie's grin as his two paws pull back the trigger. He lacks opposing thumbs ok? He needs two paws to operate many of man's death devices.

I drive home at 2 in the morning, wondering if I can get hep A or B from a cat's ass.


THE END

Went to Elisa's party with joanne and a girl i'm seeing. walked thru the door, saw all the asians to one side, and all the whiteys on the other. Talked to some whiteys. They were either all like, "um, hi, I like vollyeball" and the other whiteys were all like, "we're the guys-who-stand-in-everybody's-way-in-the-kitchen crew and we were wondering if those asian girls you came with are single."

Said "hi" to some friendly whiteys, said "hi" to some not so friendly (or at least too drunk to behave in any socially responsible way) whiteys. crossed the floor and talked to the asians who were all like, "hi, we're nice and friendly, and we're sitting here because the whiteys don't talk to us, unless the random whitey male comes over thinking we'll be easy to get in bed because they're white."

Then went and talked to elisa who was all like, "hi, i'm puking from my asshole and I ate bad oysters and some whitey wants to sleep with me and he doesn't seem to mind the fact I'm puking from my ass because he's white and after seeing some of the girls they bring home from clubs, choosing me with puke in my ass is still a far better choice then their exchange student selection last weekend."

Time warp:

sitting at denny's two nights prior with the gang, and saw my friend wearing a t-shirt saying, "Exchange students speak my language". Very confused as to what it meant. Became convinced it was some sexual reference and then became very angry and resentful towards asian exchange students who are downtown spreading the clap faster than the common cold.

Back to the Future:

Elisa's party, I say bye, got the evil death-eye from some female whitey who was probably convinced i was the drug dealer who screwed her over last month. saw elisa from the corner of my eye, on the floor, ranting about oysters in her ass.

Went to Wildfire after and watched dave get severely drunk and affectionate. Walked my date back to my apartment and endured cat calls from whiteys along the way. she chose to wear a micro mini in the freezing winter night. Suddenly realized people probably thought i was also hunting exchange students. Became confused and agitated. had sex to get my head straight and realized everything in life can be cured by a nice plate of pancakes.

Cut and paste this link into your address line. Greatest mock-up of EMO i have ever seen.

http://www.youtube.com/w/I-Must-be-EMO?v=Y1gjNg8mJYE&search=I%20must%20be%20emo

fucking hilarious.

Dear Elisa,

I wrote my response here because I have tonnes to say and I know you check my journal and you may not go back and check your old post since it's been up for awhile.

I don't like the underlying passive aggressiveness of his tone. He was careful enough to word it in a way that deflects criticism, but a person would have to be an idiot to not realize that he is subtly accusing you of misleading him, hurting his feelings and making a fool out of him by coaxing him into taking strong moves to help you come out of your supposed shell. He is an idiot. I hate metrosexual, femi-sensitized, refurbished mod-fucks. He really needs to grow a vagina if he's gonna write you emails expressing his hurt, and then thank you for such a wonderful experience. What the fuck. Was this a job interview? Why is he writing back a thank-you email? Who thanks their ex-date for giving them the opportunity to meet them? Fucking ridiculous.

On that topic, I also hate fuckhead art hipster pretentious fucks who meet me and try to drop the names of over-rated 20th century artists and sewer-indie bands that have only released audiotapes from the back of their wagons.
England is pumping out some really bad shitty bands right now, and the fact that all these hipkids are into band aesthetic and not the music is pathetic. They can list off ten band names you've never heard of as part of some "great" movement, but then you listen to the albums and hear that it's all shit. Arctic Monkeys are SHIT. Bloc Party are utter drivel snot crap poo music and Test Icicles need to be shot. I'm not even joking. We've convinced ourselves that any band that plucks one chord over and over again over a simple bass line a la The Strokes (the strokes are still awesome tho, but not this "movement" they founded), and have some skinny person singing a falsetto, suddenly the world has found it's next great indie band. FUCKING PATHETIC. Not to pick on Metric (who really are great), but who is going to remember any of their songs ten years from now? And that new album "Live It Out" was the biggest waste of my money ever since I gave up drugs. I wish I could hold HMV personally responsible for not warning me to wear ear condoms before listening to it. Such a shame, since they really are a great band. They just didn't follow through. Why am I writing this here? Back to the topic, you're better off without this drivel-nosed Skeletor, because any guy that writes a thank you email after he's been dumped deserves a good swift ninja finger-jab to the back of his left ear, thus paralyzing his abdula oblongHOMO lobe and taking him out of his misery. I hate the abdula oblongHOMO lobe, it makes me do stupid things like take bathes instead of showers and smoke menthol cigarettes while talking about how much I hate organized government. You know who you should be dating right now. We've discussed this in person. It only makes sense, and you know it. You better follow through with this. Here's a hint:

VIRGIN MARY BREEDING PROGRAM


Now go find VMBP and force him to date you.

Congradulations, Canada.

Congradulations for forgetting every terrible thing the conservatives did to us during the eighties, well done for blocking out the Mulroney nightmare from your minds, good job for deciding Canada should play a more aggressive role in the middle east.

Look what you've done. You've given the devil the playpen...for what? Because you hate the liberals so much? Because you felt betrayed, so you gave the keys back to Satan so he can eventually crash the car again?

In the Richmond, All-Candidates meeting, the supporters for the Conservatives chanted "Sodomists!" at the Liberal supporters. Just think about it. You've elected a party whose supporters chant "sodomists". Think of the mentality and ideals behind the mind of the person who chooses such a word as a verbal attack.

What have we done?

I'm veined with hot mud. I make a fist and it bloats warthog-like. Viscous and wet. So fucking ticked at everything. Fucking hate how everybody gives me their two cents when they don't even have a buck to save their own life.

Elisa is finally ready to claim her place among men. Realize your penis, elisa. Channel it and go into the forest, shotgun-foward and hot shells loaded and cocked. Find fifty rabbits but eat only 20. twenty is a respectable count for a girl your age. Elisa, eater of men...and rabbits.

The Apples in Stereo are fantastic. I'm so ashamed that I refused to give them a try many years ago.

My first sensation of physical awareness in 2006 was a sore left nipple. A telling tale of a future to come within the next 265 days.

Joanne, please start a journal. I need you here. Love our new acoustic way of playing Summer Rain. Also, I love the way we slowed down "Slide".
Any questions involving my relationship status will be met with a return attack by me concerning your hideous faces. Elisa behaves like a woman who is
convinced that the portal to Hell exists inside the hole in her couch. One day I watched this couch hole violently spit out a cat that she claims is her "pet".
Pet...Familiar, whatever.

One time her cat emerged from the hole, sassed me out with cat swears and then vanished back into the hole. Something in there sounded soft and wet.
This worries me tremendously.

Recently discovered the simple pleasure of Teagan & Sara. A mix cd given to me by my friend hasn't left my cd player.

Nobody will read this, it's been too long. People probably think I'm dead or a mormon now. I like mormons. They smell pretty. This one girl at work
smells pretty. She wears Clinique Happy and it makes me drop dew. I'm also in the manager training program right now. God Help my company. Who
in their right mind decided to train me to become a manager???? God help them all. First on list: Hire a branch Hottie. All she needs to do is sit in my closet
and wait for me during my breaks. Official Job Title: Operations Hottie. Job Task: Fluff.

I will rule my staff with an iron fist.


Jo, you and I must assassinate Elisa. God told me the "Gate Keeper" is evil. her couch must burn.

Artifact: Turbine
Water= Flood
Living receiver: Donnie Darko
Manipulating living: Parents, friends, the chinesse girl
The manipulated death: Frank, Gretchen

The Philosophy Of Time Travel



**Foreword**



I would like to thank the sisters of the Saint John Chapter in
Alexandria,
Virginia for their support in my decision.

By the grace of God, they are:

Sister Eleanor Lewis
Sister Francesca Godard
Sister Helen Davis
Sister Catherine Arnold
Sister Mary Lee Pond
Sister Virginia Wessex

This intent of this book is for it to be used as a simple and direct
guide
in a time of great danger.

I pray that this is merely a work of fiction.

If it is not, then I pray for you, the reader of this book.

If I am still alive when the events foretold in these pages occur, then
I
hope that you will find me before it is too late.


Roberta Ann Sparrow
October, 1944



**Chapter One: The Tangent Universe**

The primary universe is fraught with great peril. War, plague, famine
and
natural disaster are common. Death comes to us all.

The Fourth Dimension of Time is a stable construct, though it is not
impenetrable.

Incidents when the fabric of the fourth dime(n)sion becomes corrupted
are
incredibly rare.

If a Tangent Universe occurs, it will be highly unstable, sustaining
itself
for no longer than several weeks.

Eventually it will collapse upon itself, forming a black hole within
the
Primary Universe capable of destroying all existence.


**Chapter Two: Water and Metal**

Water and Metal are the key elements of Time Travel.

Water is the barrier element for the construction of Time Portals used
as
gateways between Universes at the Tangent Vortex.

Metal is the transitional element for the construction of Artifact
Vessels.



**Chapter Four: The Artifact And The Living**

When a Tangent Universe occurs, those living nearest to the Vortex will
find
themselves at the epicenter of a dangerous new world.

Artifacts provide first sign that a Tangent Universe has occured.

If an Artifact occurs, the Living will retrieve it with great interest
and
curiosity. Artifacts are formed from metal, such as an Arrowhead from
an
ancient Mayan civilisation, or a Metal Sword from Medieval Europe.

Artifacts returned to the Primary Universe are often linked to
religious
Iconography, as their appearance on Earth seems to defy logical
explanation.

Divine intervention is deemed the only logical conclusion for the
appearance
for the Artifact.


**Chapter Six: The Living Receiver**

The Living Receiver is chosen to guide the Artifact into position for
its
journey back to the Primary Universe.

No one knows how or why a Receiver will be chosen.

The Living Receiver is often blessed with a Fourth Dimensional Powers.
These
include increased strength, telekinesis, mind control, and the ability
to
conjure fire and water.

The Living Receiver is often tormented by terrifying dreams, visions
and
auditory hallucinations during his time within the Tangent Universe.

Those surrounding the Living Receiver, known as the Manipulated, will
fear
him and try to destroy him.


**Chapter Seven: The Manipulated Living**

The Manipulated Living are often the close friends and neighbours of
the
Living Receiver.

They are prone to irrational, bizarre, and often violent behaviour.
This is
the unfortunate result of their task, which is to assist the Living
Receiver
in returning the Artifact to the Primary Universe.

The Manipulated Living will do anything to save themselves from
Oblivion.


**The Manipulated Dead**

The Manipulated Dead are more powerful than the Living Receiver. If a
person
dies within the Tangent Dimension, they are able to contact the Living
Receiver through the Fourth Dimensional Construct.

The Fourth Dimensional Construct is made of Water.

The Manipulated Dead will manipulate the Living Receiver using the
Fourth
Dimensional Construct (see Appendix A and B).

The Manipulated Dead will often set an Ensurance Trap for the Living
Receiver to ensure that the Artifact is returned safely to the Primary
Universe.

If the Ensurance Trap is succesful, the Living Receiver is left with no
choice but to use his Fourth Dimensional Power to send the Artifact
back in
time into the Primary Universe before the Black Hole collapses upon
itself.


**Chapter Twelve: Dreams

When the Manipulated awaken from their Journey into the Tangent
Universe,
they are often haunted by the experience in their dreams.

Many of them will not remember.

Those who do remember the Journey are often overcome with profound
remorse
for the regretful actions buried within their Dreams, the only physical
evidence buried within the Artifact itself; all that remains from the
lost
world.

Ancient myth tells us of the Mayan Warrior killed by an Arrowhead that
had
fallen from a cliff, where there was no Army, no enemy to be found.

We are told of the Medievel Knight mysteriously impaled by the sword he
had
not yet built.

We are told that these things occur for a reason.

Hope there are no spies here. Last nite, played tonsil hockey with you-know-who....today, during lunch, she referred to me as her boyfriend. I dropped two bricks in my pants when I heard that. This is gonna get messy. I have to figure out what it is we're doing before I progress. Tommorrow I will ask her to elaborate on my new tag during our lunch break. Girls who read this: Does make-out session equal relationship? I'm gonna get bitten in the ass when the dust settles on this one.